MCAT Writing Sample Corrected 8

[jeanne7524]

Prompt: When given the choice between obeying the law or following one's own beliefs, one should follow one's own belief.

This statement means that a person's moral beliefs are above the law. Essentially, this statement implies that the law does not always reflect the individual beliefs of the people who must follow it. Therefore, in an instant where the law does not reflect one's own beliefs the law becomes secondary and your belief primary; according to the statement, this is only possible when given a choice between obeying the law and following one's own beliefs.

However, when a person holds what would be considered extremist views it might not be best to follow their own beliefs rather than the law. For instance, if an individual believes that a certain ethnic group of people should be prohibited from eating at their restaurant the law intervenes and states that discrimination is prohibited. In this instance it would be best for the individual to follow the law because: Firslty , they are not provided with the choice to follow their own beliefs; Secondly , their moral beliefs hurt and treat other people unfairly.

In conclusion, an individual is justifid in following their own beliefs instead of obeying the law when given the choice between the two. Also, if the individual's beliefs do not directly or indirectly infringe on the rights of others. In the example given above the restaurant owner's beliefs infringed on the rights of others to not be discriminated against. Consequently, the restaurant owner is not justified in disobeying the law.

IDEAS: The ideas presented have potential. However, the discussion of key points needs to be more organized.

TECHNICAL ERRORS: The first two opening sentences are rather redundant. The ideas could have been communicated more effectively by combining these sentences into one logically sound statement. Shifting from third person to second person must be avoided (Par 1, sentence 3). Minor spelling errors were found (instant, instead of instance - Par 1, sentence 3; justifid, instead of instance – Par 3, sentence 1; etc.).

PRIMARY OBJECTIVE - THE WRITING TASKS:

TASK #1: The discussion of the prompt needs to be clear. The ideas are repetitive, making the thesis even more ambiguous. Providing valid supporting details would have helped attain this task successfully.

TASK #2: The transition of ideas needs to be smooth and coherent. In the last sentence of paragraph 2, the first point is not logically supported.

TASK #3: Because the first two tasks were not sufficiently accomplished, the resolution is consequently weak and illogical.

TWO INDEPENDENT MARKERS:
Score #1: 2/6
Score #2: 3/6
Overall Letter Grade: M

For a clearer definition of the meaning of a score out of 6, look at the last section of the first lesson for The Writing Sample in The Gold Standard MCAT or below:
6/6: Thorough exploration of the topic and fully addressed tasks are features of six point essays. These essays show depth, structure, excellent vocabulary and sentence control as well as coherent focused organization.
5/6: All tasks are addressed by the essay. The treatment of the subject is substantial but not as thorough as for a six point essay. While some depth, structure and good vocabulary and sentence control is exhibited, this is at a lower level than for a six point essay.
4/6: All three tasks are addressed but the topic is given only a moderate exploration. Clarity of thought is present but some digression is seen although the text is structured. The quality of the vocabulary and of the sentence structure is adequate.
3/6: The essay distorts or neglects one of the three tasks. The issue may be only minimally treated. The essay demonstrates basic control of sentence structure and vocabulary, but the language may not serve to adequately forward the writer's thoughts. The essay may show organization but may be classified as simplistic.
2/6: The essay completely fails to address adequately one or more of the tasks. There may be recurring mechanical errors (i.e. spelling and grammar). Problems with analysis and organization are typical.
1/6: Problems with organization and mechanics in these essays make it very difficult for the reader to follow them. The essay may fail to address the topic entirely.
The essay is scored by two readers on a scale of 1 (lowest) to 6 (highest). The combined scores from the two essays (2 to 12 out of 12) are then converted to a scale ranging from J (lowest) to T (highest):

J (2), K (3), L (4), M (5), N (6), O (7), P (, Q (9), R (10), S (11), T (12)